Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
