My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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