When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i think my cat just said my name.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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