dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
