he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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