8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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