He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
