I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
