lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
