I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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