take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
