My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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