mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
