My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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