Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
