yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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