headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
