my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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