after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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