I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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