thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
