matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
