So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
