One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
