I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize