If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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