My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
