he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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