My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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