Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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