YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
