I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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