I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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