well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
