Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
