i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
