I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
