Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
