I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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