Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
