I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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