Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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