My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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