420 ftw
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
