So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I AM VODKA MAN
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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