May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
