You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
