bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
