This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
