he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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