my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
