My room smells like vodka and shame
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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