I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
