I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I could fuck to npr.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize