I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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