You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
