This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
