quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
