I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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