Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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