Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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