This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
