(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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