Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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