Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
